This is my debut on a blog. I have probably only read 5 blogs in my life. I am getting tired of the internet. Ironically, I somehow feel that by putting my thoughts and observations on-line, it will end up connecting me to the non-line life that I am desiring to improve.
I haven't given thought to a direction to take in my words and posts. Perhaps it's a bag of mixed nuts and random shoes.
So I'm 28, married for 3 years, live in New Jersey, have 2 dogs, and have been working for the same company for 3 years. My overall purpose (as I so eloquently made reference to above) is to share what I really feel is going on in life and find my way through it.
It feels like I'm going through a quarter-life crisis- finding myself all over again. I thought self-reflection, self-identity and confusion were over in high school. There is so much I don't know about myself, my future or my interests. Perhaps I had a lobotomy in my sleep and I didn't know.
Maybe instead of this blog just being a cluster of thoughts, perhaps at the end it will have evolved into something of real meaning and interest that I can further write about. For now, this'll have to do. One major accomplishment may just be reading what I write before I post. I haven't edited or even read what I've written in years. I have just been thinking a little bit longer before I speak or write, then continue. I don't look back. If I was to read anything I've written or hear anything I've said, I don't think I would recognize it as me, or as a thought I remember having.
So what is on my mind? This "QLC" (quarter life crisis) is based on several things.
I don't feel like who I am right now (what I do, how I live, my fulfillment) is authentic. I think that the person I really am on the inside is hidden and tucked away and I don't get to be in touch with that too often. So I have to address what is keeping me "hidden" and find out who I really am so that I can figure out what to do with my life.
So far, I've been evaluating what I was before and during college; what were my hopes, dreams, what made me happy, what was my outlook on life.
I loved music- individuality, humor, laughter, sunlight, smart people, close connections with friends, sports and games
I had a strong work ethic, didn't make real plans for the future- didn't really have a dream job or goal. Never cared if I really made money, just wanted to be able to provide for myself and not live in debt. I didn't really know where I wanted to end up, or who I wanted to be with. I didn't know what to study, wasn't really sure what interested me. I liked to jog, I liked working, I liked being around people. I like creativity, openness, and a desire to do good. I figured I would study psychology, since it was what seemed natural. During my entire education, I knew it wasn't what I was interested in working in, but I couldn't figure out where else my interests lay. I worked with Jumpstart, I did a lot of community service. I liked everything else except figuring out a real path. Went with the flow.
Where to go from there, I don't know. I met my now-husband, we dated, I went through college. I worked at Synergy with the teens, I met some other great people, and moved to New York.
I knew I didn't have a "real, tangible" skill, so I started by continuing to work at Starbucks (which, by the way, I ended up LOVING. Not so much when I moved to NYC, but in KC) until I found a job as a case manager with my current employer. I stayed to get some "NY" experience and keep looking for something, but I never knew what it was I was looking for.
I lost weight for my wedding, I trained for and ran a marathon (both of which were wonderful experiences that I want to revisit within the next year).
So I stayed at the job and was somewhat content, but knew I had more skill than what I was there for. So since I still didn't know what I could/would do, I sought promotion.
Granted.
Scared as hell.
Didn't know what to do.
Got promoted.
Got promoted.
Here I am now.
Since I have moved to New York, I could say that I have not developed or fostered a social life. There wasn't really anyone at my job that I could identify with, and not many people that cared to identify with me.
I met a few people, and I am still friends with them, but I never met their friends, or really hung out in social crowds. I haven't really known where to look to meet people. Hubby is more of a home-body so if I pursue my social interests, I would do have had to do it alone. I didn't want to drive a wedge in our marriage. Somehow, not doing it and letting myself get to this point has done the same thing, I'm afraid.
So now I'm at the point where I have some experience, I'm pretty sure it's not what I want to do, I know I need to be more physically active and lose weight in order to be happy, and find new things to do with my husband so our relationship can grow, seek out new people and friends, and get more in touch with who I am as a person and figure out what in the heck I'm on this earth for. Oh yeah, by the way, I am a Christian. I believe in God. My spiritual path and relationship has been a roller coaster for the past few years, but I do know that finding who I am and what I am supposed to be doing is directly connected to God.
I should be around more people in my social life.
I am going to lose weight (40 pounds)
I am going to cook more meals.
I have unfortunately fallen prey to lack of will power.
Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.
I'm gonna go take a nap. Be back in 10 hours.
